From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
