I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
