Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
