So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
