we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This show inspires me to have sex in space
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
