im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
