Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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