I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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