Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
