i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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