I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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