I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
