u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
