I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
