Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She's the barista slut.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
