Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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