Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
