i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
