woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
