dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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