mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
