Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
