i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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