I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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