i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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