12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
