Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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