i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
