I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
