How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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