and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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