Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
