Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
