Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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