My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
