Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish you could order shots online.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
