got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Is it penis luge time yet?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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