Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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