It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Welp...herpes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My ass is underappreciated
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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