WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
