Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
