Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
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My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3