you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
