happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
