I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
