Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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