Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
