Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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