I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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