Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
