my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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