I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
