i can't believe i had my finger in that
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
