He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
