i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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