WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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