Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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