My Higher Power is John Stamos
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
