i permit you to call me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
