I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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