I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
