can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
