bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
