My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
