Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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