Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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