I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
