I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
