when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
