Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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