census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
